“Every night, until I was about twelve, I used to dream I was trapped in an elevator with Nicholas Cage.”
- Joe Jonas
“It’s How He Would’ve Wanted to Go” Says Family of Man Crushed by Vending Machine
CHATTANOOGA, TN — Services were held Friday and Saturday afternoon for local man Garry Hoffman, 47, who met his end by getting crushed underneath a vending machine, which, those closest to him say, “is how he would’ve wanted to go.”
“He used to love it on road trips whenever we’d stop at a rest area. He’d jump out of the car and go straight to the vending machine. He’d always hit B16 no matter what. B16,” said Hoffman’s sister, Alice, a half smile curling at the memory, “I’m just glad he died doing what he loved.”
Official reports indicate Hoffman began struggling with the machine after his Fig Newton got snagged by the metal dispensing coil. He tried fishing the bar out by putting his arm up through the bottom slot but gave up after five minutes — for all his effort, it remained dangling, tauntingly out of reach. “Give it here, you greedy bastard!” Hoffman was hollering as he slapped the glass, “You think I’m going to let you get away with this? OVER MY DEAD BODY!”
Eyewitnesses recall just before impact Hoffman cried out, “Roberta!” — who Roberta is and what connection she had to Hoffman remains a mystery.
While he had no wife or children, Hoffman leaves behind an extensive collection of over 7,500 Furbys and his pet fish, General Marcellus Chesterfield.
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