Crier Quotes “That’s a nice beak. I wish I had a beak like that. All I have are these stupid thumbs.” - Charles Darwin New Variant Escapes Lab of Man Doing His Own Research MOBILE, AL — Plumes of smoke billowed high in the azalea city sky as a dazed Jasper Kenny unlocked the latch, lifted the metal doors, and emerged from the storm cellar, barely able to comprehend what he had just done. In doing his own COVID research, the Alabama native had spawned and let escape a new, deadlier variant. “I just don’t understand how this could happen,” said Kenny, who had painstakingly virus escape-proofed his ex-wife’s brother-in-law’s moonshine distillery prior to the undertaking. “I had all the windows closed, except one, but I would have passed out if I hadn’t cracked it. It was just a smidge is all. I swear.” Kenny hopes his mistake serves as a cautionary tale for others who have taken up the mantle of doing their own research. The governor has since called a state of emergency as hospitals across Alabama are overrun. At press time, Jasper Kenny was seen buying “the first ticket out” at the Mobile Greyhound station.
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Crier Quotes “That’s a nice beak. I wish I had a beak like that. All I have are these stupid thumbs.” - Charles Darwin New Variant Escapes Lab of Man Doing His Own Research MOBILE, AL — Plumes of smoke billowed high in the azalea city sky as a dazed Jasper Kenny unlocked the latch, lifted the metal doors, and emerged from the storm cellar, barely able to comprehend what he had just done. In doing his own COVID research, the Alabama native had spawned and let escape a new, deadlier variant. “I just don’t understand how this could happen,” said Kenny, who had painstakingly virus escape-proofed his ex-wife’s brother-in-law’s moonshine distillery prior to the undertaking. “I had all the windows closed, except one, but I would have passed out if I hadn’t cracked it. It was just a smidge is all. I swear.” Kenny hopes his mistake serves as a cautionary tale for others who have taken up the mantle of doing their own research. The governor has since called a state of emergency as hospitals across Alabama are overrun. At press time, Jasper Kenny was seen buying “the first ticket out” at the Mobile Greyhound station.